I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
