you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
