I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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