Umm I'm too high to move.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
