Your tits are I can't wait for
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
