thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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