Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
