I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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