2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
