My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize