you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
