how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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