his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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