Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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