I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
