as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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