well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
