I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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