I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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