Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
