woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
