my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize