I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
