anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize