I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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