i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
