I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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