I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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