once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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