don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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