Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
