The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize