I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
