he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
