My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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