Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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