I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
