i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
