please come you make the beer taste better
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
