HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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