i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
