can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
