Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
