You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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