sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
