C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My vagina just recognized that song.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
