This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
