next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
