the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
