i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
