either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
