My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We are two peas in an std pod
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
