When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
