I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
