A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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