oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
