I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
