who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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